Tuesday, July 16, 2002

Proper Southern Belles

There's a discussion on my local newsgroup regarding what characterizes a southern lady, the stereotype and/or the reality.

Some responses:

1. Never blows her nose in public.

Except during ragweed season which is 360 days a year.

2. Does not 'pass gas' in public.

Well yes, she really does, but looks at the person next to her in shock, then smiles conspiratorially.

3. Never wears white shoes or carries white handbags before Easter or after Labor Day.

I'm not sure it's a good idea to wear/carry such things, ever.

4. Never chases after a man... she connives a man into chasing her, then acts totally surprised when caught.

Anything else would just be trashy.

5. Does not call men on the telephone.

Unless she is summoning him to do her bidding.

6. Never eats large amounts in public... she only nibbles and says that she isn't hungry. A southern belle will eat before a date, then again afterwards. It's not until the 'date' is of a fiance status that a southern belle orders everything on the menu.

And on a date, the southern lady drinks white wine spritzers, then goes home and gets out the bottle of Jack Daniels and a straw.

7. Absolutely NEVER sleeps with a man on a first date. He should get up and go home to do his sleeping.

You don't want yore mama seein' his car at your house on her way to church Sunday morning.

8. Never lets the man she's after see her first thing in the morning until she's 'got' him.

9. Never sweats.

Except during aerobics class, and you must be wearing as much makeup as humanly possible.

10. Never cusses above a whisper where others might hear her.

WHO MAKES UP THESE GODDAMN RULES!

11. Never has a gray hair until she's darn ready to have one.

Amen, sista! I have no idea what my natural hair color is and I intend to keep it that way.

And my personal mantra: She never wears panties to a party.

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